Dude. I’m serious.

Since you can’t really see me, let me tell you that I have kinda skinny legs, and a kinda skinny face and arms, and my belly is fat.

I hate that it’s fat, just so we’re clear. And I’m not having the whole fat shaming/fat acceptance debate right now (although, how that’s really a debate, I’m not sure).

But, anyway, it is fat.  And I have tried a lot of different things to get it to be not fat.  They work sometimes.  But I’m not even here to talk about which diet you use to make YOUR belly not be fat.

The other day, I was at a bookstore, and someone overheard me talking and decided to join in the conversation.  Great.  Super.  She was asking us about a city we were on our way to visit, and giving us some advice on what to do there.

Then she said, “Oh, and there is GREAT coffee at this place. Well, wait.  You probably can’t have a lot of coffee right now, can you?”

Er….what, now?  Think, Christy.  Are you acting super hyper?  Do you look like you need sleep?  Why would she say that?  What the hell does that mean?  Why else can’t you have…..ohhhhhhhhhh.  She thinks I’m knocked up.  

The thing is, there is no great way to respond to it.  Ignore is my first tactic.  Pretend like you didn’t hear the person.  And she didn’t actually ask me the question, “So, when are you due?” when you have to actually say, “That is not a baby, that is a 35 year old compilation of fat cells, lady.”

My next tactic is to just talk loudly over whatever it is that they say.  If they keep going, man, it’s just gotta be the tactless, “I am not pregnant.  I am fat. Thankyouverymuch.”

Honestly, wherever I go, people smile at me.  I smile back, thinking, “Man, this world is so great.  We should really hold on to hope.  Look how nice everyone is!”  And then I realize….ohhhhhhhh, they think I’m knocked up.

If you are reading this, I need you to do something for me.

I need you to do this for me for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  Assume the girl is NOT PREGNANT.  Think to yourself, “Is she?” and then answer yourself, “Probably not.  I’m going to assume she’s not.  And I’m not going to imply that she can’t have alcohol right now or that she can’t have caffeine or raw fish or whatever else you have on your mind.”

Repeat after me:  Assume she is not, and you will probably be right!  And if she is, she’ll mention it sooner or later, and then you can gush about how she has her hands full and must be tired and comment on the size of her belly.  Until then?  NOT PREGNANT.

Thanks in advance.  🙂


One thought on “Dude. I’m serious.

  1. This totally happened to me a few months ago total #egoboost! I couldn’t agree with you more…do NOT ask! EVER! Unless the person says she’s pregnant, assume NOT!!!!


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