I can’t do it, you guys.
I’m so serious. I can’t let go. I hold onto things. Well, not actual things, I’m really good at getting rid of those. I’m a chronic de-clutterer.
But, the other kind of things? I hoooooold on. Like, I sometimes still think about the time in 4th grade that my bff decided to move out of my locker, and she moved into someone else’s locker, and they put a sign on the outside that said, “No Christy Allowed Here.”
I also still think about the time in college when my boyfriend had just dumped me, and I was actually also kinda in love with someone else who didn’t really love me back, and so I drank A LOT of boone’s farm and made out with someone who I had gone to high school with. I’m not a drinker; not even in college. I rarely ever got to the point of intoxicated, and now, really never. But whenever I mess up, I internalize it until…well, until forever. I know it’s not really that big of a deal, many of you (come on, admit it) made out with a lot of randoms, right? (I’m going to keep telling myself that).
The worst part is that I still just cannot accept the fact that I can’t make everyone like me or want to be my friend. We recently had a situation at my work that kind of pitted some people against each other. I did what we all do; I tried to stand up for what I believe is right. I truly believe the people on “the other side” did that too, for the most part. I have no animosity there. But, I practically can’t live with myself at work. I walk around, knowing (or at least assuming) that there are people that hate me, because of something I did. Or they think I did. Or they were told I did, even if it’s not true.
I so wish I had that attitude where I could just say, “Screw it. I don’t need everyone to like me!” I keep waiting for it to come, as I get older. It’s…ah…not quite here yet, and I turn 36 this month. I swear, I try. I do. I’ve reflected, I’ve been told that I need to just buck up, get more assertive, not care, move on, remember that I can’t please everyone.
I swear, too, I’m in the WORLD’S WORST PROFESSION for this kind of…insecurity? Is that what it is? I don’t even know. Teachers have SO many critics. Honestly, some parents expect their child’s teacher to be so perfect that they’re actually not human. I still carry bad feelings from my very first teaching job. I can remember every criticism I’ve ever gotten from a parent.
And, you know, it makes me realize that most of the times parents were upset, it was about something that I couldn’t control (Why do you even teach French? This is so stupid! Can my kid just take Spanish twice?) or an issue that we just couldn’t agree on. I’m totally ok with parents disagreeing with me. Above all, the student is their child. I get that. But, I love those kids almost like they are my own, and it hurts me when parents don’t take note that even if I mess up, or even if they disagree with me, whatever I’m doing it’s because I truly think it’s the best. I’m not the teacher that just shows up and gives work. Our class is our family!
Things I know:
I am not perfect.
Nobody is perfect.
It’s ok if not everyone agrees with me.
It’s ok if not everyone likes me.
Some people think I’m annoying.
Some people think I’m loud.
Some people think I’m funny. Some do not.
But…all of it scrapes along with me, like a canoe scraping along the too-shallow part of the river. I carry along with me all the friendships that have dwindled along the way. I even carry along the friendships that haven’t just dwindled, that have just completed halted due to one reason or the other (mostly reasons that I don’t know about, because I sit and replay things and I wonder).
I want to learn to let go. I don’t need to carry along with me every mistake I have ever made. I can’t live my life worrying SO MUCH about what people think. Do I like everyone, even when they try? Absolutely not! I need to stop trying to be the one person that never messes up. That has no “enemies.”
One last thing: I probably need to delete my Facebook account because when people unfriend me I seriously need to know WHY. Also, on my um, you guys page today, I went down a follower. Is it because I said butt?
Anyway, what do you have for me? Do you feel like this, too? If not, what have you done to move past?