- The night before, set out all your gear. Your gear makes you feel good. Gear = street cred, yo. You ARE a runner. Pictured: headlamp that makes you feel like a cave spelunker, very expensive wireless headphones that you thought would make your life so awesome, but really just make your ears sweat, polar watch that constantly beeps at you to tell you you’re not going QUITE fast enough to make your heart beat where you want it to, and reflective vest so as to not get run over.
2.Get up at some ungodly hour. You know, one where you need reflective gear in order to not fall and break your face. Look at yourself disapprovingly in the mirror because you seriously look like a dork.
3. Get your shoes on. Realize you’re kinda glad it’s dark, because your pajamas are also ridiculous. Maybe add normal looking exercise pants to my “To Buy” list.
4. Get your podcast ready to go. Do I want a true crime one? No, because I’m running in the dark and that’s when people get kidnapped. Do I want This American Life? No. They always make me cry. Decide actually to listen to music today, Hamilton is where it’s at.
5. Step outside. Oh my gosh, I think. It is so BEAUTIFUL at 5:00 a.m. Here I am, out here alone, just me and my thoughts, and the open road. Why do I not do this every day? Seriously? Everyone should do this. I am so smart to do this.
6. Begin by warming up. You have to get your legs ready, you know. I think…oh, a 5 minute warmup walk should take me to the top of that hill at the end of this road.
7. Ok, 6 minute warm up walk, just to get me around the corner. It makes more sense to start at an intersection, and I don’t think STARTING at the top of a hill is a great idea.
8. Allright, here we go. This is what its all about time to start running. Since I’m just a beginner again, I think I’ll run until that house with the little free library in front of it.
9. Actually, it might be more reasonable just to go to that first tree, and then I’ll take my walking break. I don’t want to hurt myself since I’m just starting.
10. Slow down to a walk once you reach the tree. Immediately pretend like you were just stopping to look at something and start running again, because you see “that guy.” “That guy” is the guy who was just beginning to run 3 years ago, the first (or maybe second time) you were beginning to run. Look at him go now! If I wouldn’t have quit, I could be running like that. Dang, he got so skinny! How nice for him. Man. I can’t let him see me walking. Pick it up, pick it up.
11. Ok, he’s around the corner. You can walk now.
12. Turn the corner, and immediately get splashed in the face by a sprinkler. Step in a puddle. Yell to yourself, “SERIOUSLY PEOPLE NOBODY NEEDS YOU TO WATER YOUR GRASS ANYMORE ITS PRACTICALLY WINTER AND ITS GONNA DIE ANYWAY AND NOW IM WET AND I HATE WET!”
13. Alright time to run. But, maybe I should wait until I dry off a little? I don’t want to slip. Well, I better run. I’ll stop at the Moore’s this time. Well, once I get past, so if they look out, they’ll see that I’m running and think, “Oh, wow, look how athletic Christy is.”
14. Stop before the Moore’s. Tell yourself: They’re sleeping anyway. My heart’s at a good rate to stop, I think. Don’t want to overdo it. Plus I’m not exactly breathing right now.
15. Allright, walk a little bit. Oh my gosh. That house has SO many cupboards. What do they have that they need so many cupboards? I wonder if its illegal to glance into people’s houses as I run by. I’m really just looking at the cabinets. Well, and maybe to see if it’s messy. And I don’t look in houses of people I know. People should shut their blinds.
16. Christy. Time to run. You’ve got this. 10 seconds in, you eat a bug. How do I manage to eat a bug EVERY TIME? Spit all over the sidewalk. See someone walk by and pretending you’re coughing. Get going.
18. This is really not my sport. I am mentally weak.
18. I probably should be doing yoga. Wait. That probably won’t work either.
19. Ok, I’m walking. You know what? Walking is better than not being out here at all! It’s better than if I were asleep! I AM PROUD TO BE WALKING. WALKING WITH PRIDE OVER HERE. WATCH ME WALK WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH.
20. Man, I am an awesome runner. Mission Accomplished.